Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
