you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
