apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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