Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
