my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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