I seem to have left my pride at pride
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
