ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
