My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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