how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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