Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
