You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
