Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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