I bet he comes in French.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
