you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
