So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
God, I missed his penis.
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