I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
