If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
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I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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