Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry