I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
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I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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