You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...