i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
