Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
