Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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