dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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