i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
