This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
