Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
