In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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