You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
