hotel room ftw
i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
