someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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