things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
