Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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