i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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