I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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