Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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