My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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