can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
