I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
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Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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