My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
