Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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