Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
