you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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