I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
well you can't waste a boner
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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