my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
