Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize