the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
