He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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