mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
