I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She bit a glass in half.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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