Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
