New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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