Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
