I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
