it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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