I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
