I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
