Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
