I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
