Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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