Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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