guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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